The Kindling
by Gater101
Summary: Part 6. As Carson watched, the piers of the city burst into life.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Kindling  
Summary: Carson lends some words to John's needy ears. Season 5.  
Characters: John, Carson & Teyla  
Rating: K+

He fiddled with the hair at his temple, closing his eyes as he surrendered momentarily to the exhaustion ravaging his body. He'd had a long day with three back to back missions in search of a new ZPM that would let Rodney whatever it was he wanted to do with it. Added to that, he'd only had about five hours sleep the night before because of the stifling heat billowing in the open window and the air conditioning that had broken down in his room.

He was sure Rodney had done it on purpose because John had stolen his last bar of Galaxy chocolate.

John looked up when a shadow fell over him and he smiled up at her as she stood with a full tray of food. He indicated the seat across from him and she sat tentatively on the edge of the seat, ready for flight.

"Not staying?" He asked as he thrust his spoon into his blue jelly but didn't eat it. She shook her head.

"Toren has not been sleeping well; he is teething and grumpy." John nodded in understanding. "I cannot stay."

"It's okay," he said with a tired smile and when he looked up to her eyes, she seemed to be looking at something he could see, eyes fixed on a point somewhere between her seat and the sea below. "You all right? You're a million miles away."

She turned to him with a ready smile and John frowned. She looked tired, probably more so than he knew he did. She ducked her head slightly and her smile disappeared, deepening John's concern.

"Not so far," she said quietly and John tried to think of something to say but came up blank. Things between them hadn't been the same since they'd rescued her from Michael. She had grown distant and he spent less time with her than he knew he should; he rarely saw Toren John and John knew it was wrong to not see his name-sake. He sighed slightly when she rose but didn't protest. "I should be going," she murmured and lifted her tray. "Good night, John."

John waved slightly and she smiled tightly before turning on her heel and leaving the mess hall. He watched her leave with a frown on his brow and sat back in his chair, wondering just when things had gotten so bad.

"You all right, lad?"

John looked up at Carson startled and Carson smiled down at him.

"Have a seat, doc," John said and indicated the seat Teyla had only moments before vacated.

"I really wish people would stop calling me that," Carson said lightly as he mixed the gravy into his mashed potatoes. John looked at him questioningly and Carson only smiled. "I'm not the doctor here anymore."

John winced.

"Sorry. Habit, I guess."

"It's all right. I understand, I suppose. It's just strange." John imagined it would be but he didn't say anything. He'd tried to offer words of consolation to Carson when they'd removed him from the status chamber but the Scot had promptly told him not to embarrass either of them and that while he was grateful for the sentiments, he didn't want to continually be reminded he wasn't the _real _Carson Beckett. "You and Teyla haven't been getting on all that well, have you?"

John looked up at the observation but Carson was tucking into something that resembled roast beef, delightfully spooning thick dollops of gravied mashed potato into his mouth. John smiled; it had been a while since he'd enjoyed food as much as Carson obviously was.

"We get on fine," John lied convincingly but Carson simply graced him with a raised eyebrow.

"She told me herself you two haven't been talking so much and from what I just saw, I can tell it's not gotten any better, has it?"

John stared at the Scot for a long moment, trying to figure out _something _to say to contradict him. Instead, he sighed and dropped his spoon into the glass.

"I don't know what's wrong." Carson smiled sympathetically and John growled slightly as he shook his head. "Don't look at me like that."

"Sorry, Colonel." John shook his head slightly and sighed again, running his hand across the back of his neck, trying to ease some of the tension there. "I'll tell you what I think," Carson said after a long minute. John looked back up to the blue eyes of his friend and saw the serious look there, the folded hands on the worktop and John wondered – not for the first time – how anyone could say this wasn't the real Carson Beckett. "I think you're not used to sharing her." John made to speak but Carson held up a silencing hand. "Hear me out." John nodded reluctantly and leaned back in his chair. "You've always had Teyla to yourself and even when she went to visit her people, she always came back." John waited a moment, thinking it over before nodding. "And now she has a son and you – and not just _you _but Ronon and Rodney, too – you feel like you shouldn't intrude on her time with her son but I'll tell you this; you're isolating her, making her feel like you don't want her-"

"I don't-"

"And when she goes to visit her people," Carson continued stubbornly and John glared at him through his frown, "you're scared she won't come back because she has something else tying her to them."

John sat forward and dropped his elbows onto the table and gripped his head in his hands. It was true. Every time she stepped through the Stargate to visit her people – sometimes staying for two weeks – John thought she wouldn't come back. She hadn't made her decision on whether she wanted to stay on the team yet and it scared him. But having someone point it out to him...

"I know this because you've all been doing it to me."

"Doc-"

"What did I tell you?" Carson inquired lightly but there was an edge to his tone. "The only difference is, Teyla can return to her people. My family think I'm dead." John closed his eyes and bit his lip; now would be the perfect time to say something comforting but the words escaped him. "Out of all of her friends, it's the clone of someone she thought dead who she confides in." John winced. "And do you know why?" John looked at Carson's face and noted the anger there. He'd never seen Carson like that before. He shook his head. "Because I'm the only one who will talk to her about anything that matters."

"I don't... I don't know what to say."

Carson gave him a long lingering look but shook his head.

"You don't have to say anything; just listen to her when she wants to talk." Carson pushed at the food on his plate before pushing it away. "But it's not just you."

John thought about it; Ronon and Teyla were best friends and he'd always just assumed she was talking to him but if what Carson was saying was true, even Ronon had been 'giving her space'. It stood to reason she'd need someone to talk to after what had happened and John wanted to kick himself in the ass for thinking someone else would do it for him. And Carson... John looked up to the sad eyes of the Scot and winced. He'd spent some time with Carson but nowhere near enough and he knew that the reality had finally sank into Rodney and he'd been dealing with it in his own special way; by avoiding the issue completely. And that meant avoiding Carson, too.

John sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.

"She's thinking of leaving Atlantis." John looked up at that, startled. "And I know how much you don't want that." John nodded slightly in confirmation and Carson smiled. "Get some sleep Colonel," he said lightly. "You look like hell."

John laughed at that and rose from his seat. He paused and looked down at Carson who was collecting his own plate.

"Carson?"

Carson looked up and smiled. "Aye, son?"

John hesitated a moment before nodding slightly.

"Thanks."

Carson only smiled and as John walked away, he resolved to try harder – for both of them.

In the morning, he'll ask Teyla to spar and if she wanted to talk, he would listen.

And at some point, when the memory of their conversation faded slightly, John would take Carson fishing.

But first, he would sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Kindling, part 2  
Summary: John and Carson go fishing.  
Characters: John, Carson  
Rating: K  
Spoilers: The Kindred, Season 5

"This is nice."

Nice wasn't exactly the word John Sheppard would use. The fine rain that hung more like a fog had drenched him through and through, his hands were cold, his feet were like ice and the fish he was trying to catch all seemed to be expertly avoiding the line he had dangled in the pond. Loch. Whatever.

But with one look at the closed-eyed contentedness on his friends face, John refrained from complaining too much.

"If you say so," he murmured in response and Carson turned to him with an amused frown.

"I knew I should have brought Major Lorne," Carson murmured good naturedly and John sat further forward, rocking the small boat slightly.

"Hey, this was my idea!"

But Carson only laughed, jiggled his line about and settled back in the little nest he'd made on the deck of their not so grand fishing boat.

"I said we could go fishing on any planet in Pegasus." John rolled his eyes and tried to bite back his smile. "You're the one that decided to come to Earth."

"Yeah, well, you're the one who kept mentioning this puddle of water every time the subject of fishing came up."

Carson scoffed but John could see the smile tugging at the Scots lips.

To be honest, it wasn't that bad. It was _nice _to be out of the city for once, a day of rest actually meaning a day of rest. John had become quiet adverse to days off ever since that Sunday but this, with the person who he'd lost that day sitting beside him, may be reshaping his opinions. They'd made it out onto the loch before dawn and had waited until the sun shone over the top of the mountains in the east before setting adrift on their wooden dingy. It was a glorious sight, the mountains of Scotland, and John had fallen in love with the rugged scenery, the seemingly purple mountains that were covered in covered in heather, the atmosphere the grey low hanging clouds created over the loch – even the temperamental weather that had plagued their journey north. It was stunningly breath-taking and John decided that if he ever were to reach retiring age, he'd come here.

And the company wasn't all bad either.

John looked over at Carson again and pursed his lips. Over the years, the two had spent less and less time together and after the whole cloning thing, John had found it more than a little weird to talk to someone who was Carson but... wasn't. It hadn't taken him long to realise, though, that he _was _still Carson, despite what Michael made him do. It was comforting, in a way, for John to not have to deal 

with that whole bundle of issues he'd stamped down on for a year and a half but he knew it was still just as weird for the rest of them.

Rodney, despite his initial optimism, was taking it the hardest. John had witnessed the slip ups, where he would mention something that he thought Carson should remember but didn't. John had seen firsthand the falling faces of both of his friends as Rodney made his excuses and left. Over and over and over again. No amount of talking to him could bring him out of his shell and John had decided it might be best to let him deal with it on his own.

But that left Carson, who had lost his best friend. Not even just his best friend, but his close friends – Ronon, Elizabeth and to a certain extent John -; the only one who had stuck by him through it all was Teyla. And even then, their closeness was derived from the fact that they'd all pretty much did to her what they were doing to Carson since Torren John was born.

John was glad they had both found someone to lean on.

"I asked Rodney to come," Carson said quietly and when John looked at him, he was fiddling with the wire on his reel. John sighed. He'd asked Rodney to come, too. "He said he had experiments to do."

John glanced at Carson again and tried to smile encouragingly.

"He'll come around."

It sounded feeble, even to his own ears. Carson breathed slowly and John turned to him. He wasn't very good at this.

"He told me..." Carson trailed off and John looked away, swallowing the unbidden lump in his throat, willing away the tightness in his chest. "He told me that we were supposed to go fishing the day that I... that the other... that _your _Carson got killed." John turned to him again and watched as the Scot struggled with the emotions his mind couldn't process. John looked away as Carson swiped at his face. "Do you know what the hardest thing is?" John shook his head, not able to lift his eyes to Carson's again – not just yet. "I'm here, in my own country, a three hour drive from my mother and I can't even go see her."

John heard the crack in his voice and he didn't know what to do. He shifted in the boat and glanced over to Carson who was staring into the calm water, the surface reflecting the darkness of the skies above.

"My dad died," John said suddenly, surprising them both. "When you were..." he didn't finish but waved his hand. Carson waited a moment before nodding encouragingly and John swallowed the lump once again. "I've been back on Earth... a few times since I went to Atlantis and not once did I go see him." John looked away again, to the rolling moors on his right and shook his head. "It wasn't until Colonel Carter told me he'd died that I regretted it."

He flinched as Carson's fingers brushed his shoulder before falling away.

"I'm sorry, John." John shook his head. "But what has that got to do with my mother thinking I'm dead?"

John let out a quick burst of laughter at the incredulous tone in Carson's voice and when he turned, Carson was smiling slightly, the corner of his lips turned up in amusement. John sighed gratefully.

"You could probably go see her, if you wanted."

Carson nodded but looked away.

"I know. I've thought about it but I think it might just upset her more. It is a bit..." he waved his hand around his head as though looking for the words before sighing exasperatedly and dropping his hands to his reel again. "It might be a little too weird for her, you know?"

John nodded.

Long minutes passed in silence and both John and Carson reeled in their lines, throwing them out again. The sun split through the dense clouds and for a moment, the surface reflected silver, the perfect calm undisturbed. It was beautiful.

"Teyla would love this place." John stilled at the mention of her name and turned his eyes to Carson who simply smiled. "Things still not right with you lot?"

John shrugged.

"You know they're not so why are you asking?"

Carson smiled lopsidedly and John rolled his eyes.

"In case you wanted to talk about it."

"Well I don't."

"Okay." John could hear the amusement in Carson's voice and he shook his head in mock annoyance. "But... she told me you're trying." John turned to him and eyed him warily, noting the bemused expression on the Scots features. "It's good that you're trying."

John waited for a moment before looking away from Carson's appraising eyes.

"I'm trying."

"That's all she can ask for, isn't it?"

John simply smiled.

"Carson," he said after a thoughtful beat. "This is a land locked loch." Carson stilled and John narrowed his eyes. "There are no fish here, are there?"

Carson beamed.

"Relaxing, isn't it?"

As John reeled in his line and threw it back out, he couldn't help but agree.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Kindling, part three  
Summary: He had to concentrate on being Carson because he'd forgotten who that was.  
Characters: Carson, Teyla & Torren  
Rating: K

"You all right, love?"

Teyla looked up to him, her smile ready on her lips and Carson smiled down at her. From their spot on the south pier, Carson could see where the pink sky had been torn open by the gold shards of sunlight, where the azure sea burned with the evening's light. The slim slivers of moon were barely visible against the vibrant sky and Carson felt the warm breeze waft through his shirt, lifting his spirits slightly.

"I am well," she said as she indicated the spot on the blanket next to her, while the other hand rocked the bouncy chair to her right. "And yourself?" She asked kindly as she graced him with one of her smiles that Carson had quickly come to know.

"Aye," he said as he turned back to the horizon, closing his eyes as he breathed in the faint wafts of sea water. "I'm not too bad, thanks."

She nodded but didn't say anything, their smiles still in place on their lips. Ever since they had both been returned to Atlantis from Michael's clutches they had become fast friends once again, and Carson wondered if perhaps it was because they had both been outcast from their usual group of friends that they had become so close. She was the only one of them, now that he was removed from the stasis chamber and the shock had settled in, that had accepted him whole-heartedly regardless of his not being the 'real' Carson Beckett.

Her son, Torren John, gurgled and Carson turned to the little bundle and smiled. Teyla cooed over him for a moment and he settled again, his eyes watching the horizon. He was a beautiful little soul, his blue eyes darkening by the day and Carson could easily see the maternal resemblances. He smiled once again and reached out, tugging on the little guy's foot. Torren looked to Carson's fingers curiously as they wiggled his booted foot about then up to Carson, the frown evident on his brow. Carson tried not to laugh at that and turned to Teyla who was watching them both. His smile faltered slightly when he saw the sadness creep into the edges of her eyes.

"How are things with the others?"

She looked away, to the horizon that Carson had moments ago been watching himself, her eyes focussing on something Carson couldn't see. Carson leaned back onto his elbows, watching her face for a moment before looking away.

Her team – Rodney, Ronon and John – had been trying, recently, to 'give her space' but Carson had come to realise that 'space' meant avoiding her completely. Carson didn't know if it was the fact she had a baby, or that she was grieving or if they just did this all the time. Either way, he could tell it was wearing her down. She rarely spoke of her friends and when she did, she looked apprehensive and weary; her answers when asked about them were short and succinct, not giving anything away, not letting anyone see the inner turmoil their snubs had created.

Carson could see it because he had always been able to. He may not be a lot of things – and now, far less than he had thought – but he knew how to read people and he knew his friends. She was hurting.

"Ronon came to see us yesterday," she said as she fingered Torren's feet. "He could not stay; Doctor Keller insisted he rest in bed for a day after his injury off world."

Carson nodded even as he winced. It was painful to remember that he wasn't the on base doctor anymore. He had been called in every now and again but he was pretty sure they were just doing it to humour him; to give him something to do.

"One day that boy is going to really hurt himself," Carson said good-naturedly, despite the dark clouds gathering in his mind. Teyla nodded and smiled but he could see the hurt behind it. He smiled back at her sympathetically but she looked away, shaking her head. "They'll come around Teyla, just give them time."

Teyla nodded and smiled tightly, her eyes falling to her bundle of joy and Carson sighed resignedly. Those boys were their own worst enemy; they wanted to give Teyla her space but in doing so, they were driving her away.

"John told me you two went fishing."

Carson smiled lightly, the memory of their relaxed encounter on Loch Shiel still fresh in his mind; their stay in the Highlands of Scotland had been refreshing for them both and Carson had felt his body revive itself as he breathed in the moist air of home as they'd trekked over the rolling moors, as he'd sipped down a cold can of his much missed Irn Bru. There were few delicacies like Scotland's national drink and Carson had brought hoards of the sugary drink back to Atlantis with him. John hadn't shared his love for it though, spitting out the orange coloured juice claiming it to be 'too sweet' but that just meant more for Carson.

"Aye, it was great." He smiled over to her and she returned it lightly. He could see something akin to yearning in her eyes and he wondered if perhaps she wished for the closeness Carson had found with John Sheppard; with someone other than her. It was difficult for them both to witness their friends live their daily lives while they had to sit back and watch, circumstances outwith their control restricting their lives. "You would love Scotland; the scenery is wonderful."

"John told me it rained the whole time you were there." Carson glared playfully at her mocking tone but her smile was infectious and he was soon smiling too. "He showed me some of the pictures; it does look wonderful. Perhaps we will go some day," she said quietly as she rubbed a gentle hand over Torren's fine hair. She looked wistful for a moment before she turned her solemn eyes on him, the concern he'd become familiar with gracing her features. "Did you visit your family when you were there?"

Carson shifted uncomfortably under her scrutinising gaze. He thought about lying to her, thought about telling her he had visited his mother, thought about trying to avoid that sea of issues but her brown orbs pierced through his barrier and he realised he could not hide anything from her. She knew he had not, but she still asked. He knew she wanted him to talk about it but he wasn't sure he could.

"No." He looked away from her, to the wispy clouds on the horizon. He sighed as he lifted a hand to his face, scratching at the beginnings of his beard.

"Why not?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know." She raised a knowing eyebrow in his direction and he sighed, pausing for a thoughtful moment before nodding slightly. "I just..." he began but trailed off as the words fled his mind. He clawed roughly at his face and made a noise resembling that a cat would make before turning to her, his hands fisted in his lap. "It just feels... with everything that's going on; with how things have happened here... I'm not the _real _Carson Beckett, so she's not my real mother. She's _his _mother."

He could feel the heat prickle the back of his eyes and he lowered his lids, drew his lips between his teeth and tried to quell the sob that wanted to break free from his throat.

"_Carson..._" she admonished quietly, her hand reaching out to cover his. He paused a beat before opening his eyes and seeing the pain echoed in hers. She was too empathic for her own good. "You are still you... no matter what anyone says."

But he wasn't so sure and he shook his head, looking away from her again to the silver seas that stretched on and on. Her hand tightened over his and he turned back to her, her outline blurry through the tears.

"Even if I did see her, it would just upset her more." He swiped at his face. "She has a nervous disposition and if I showed up on her doorstep I think her poor heart would give out." They both tried to smile at that.

"I am sure she would rather have her son back than think him dead for the rest of her life," she murmured solemnly, her eyes never wavering.

Carson was grateful for her strength.

As though sensing the downturn in the mood, Torren let out a little wail and began squirming as a cool wind gusted past them. Teyla reached for him but Carson stopped her with a hand on her wrist.

"May I?" He asked quietly and Teyla looked startled for a moment before a happy smile spread across her lips. Carson unfastened to clip and lifted the infant into his arms, cradling his tiny head in the crook of his elbow. "What's the matter, wee man?" Carson cooed and Torren stared up at him with wide eyes, quickly silenced by Carson's rough baritone. "You're a wee toe-rag aren't you?" Teyla lifted an amused eyebrow at the term and Carson quirked a smile in her direction. "It's a Scottish term. Goes quite well with his name, though," he added as an afterthought, smiling down at the infant.

Teyla's hand reached out and stroked Torren's head, her smile never wavering. She looked up to Carson again with studious eyes and he frowned the question that was on the tip of his tongue.

"You will make a good father, Carson," she said earnestly and Carson felt something tug in his chest. He looked down to Torren again and noted that he was dozing lightly, his breathing soft and steady. Carson smiled. "Have you ever thought about a family?"

Carson nodded quickly, looking up to her for a moment.

"Aye." He shifted slightly, careful not to jostle Torren too much. "Before coming here, I wanted the whole she-bang. A wife, three bairns, a cottage by the sea..." He looked at her with a slow smile. 

"Then I... he..." she glared at his use of 'he' but he just shrugged. "Then this whole thing started and any thought of a family went out the window." He stroked Torren's face. "I don't know how you do it Teyla; the thought of bringing a child up in this city scares the crap out of me and I don't even have one."

She smiled slowly too before sipping from her bottle of orange juice.

"I tell myself it is safer here than anywhere else." She glanced away from him again, tension creeping into her shoulders. "Had Kanaan survived, I do not believe I would still be here." Carson looked at her; it was not the first time he had heard these words from her but there was longing to them this time that rattled him. "He was a good man," she said suddenly, pursing her lips as she studied her hands. "But Michael changed him; he changed all of us." Carson quirked an eyebrow at that but didn't comment. She was hurting just as much as he was. "My people are scattered, broken and it is very difficult for them to accept what has happened. Many have left, found work on other planets and it is difficult to witness." She sighed. "My people used to pride themselves on their strength, their belief in family and friendship but Michael... He has changed them." She looked to the clear skies above and shook her head. "My son deserves to grow up in a family." She swallowed and blinked away the tears that gathered in her eyes. "My family is here now."

Some family, Carson thought. They were all dealing with their own problems in their own way and had cast the two most affected out of their little clan. It was hurting Carson, but it was hurting Teyla and Torren more. While Carson had been changed, Teyla hadn't; she was still the same and they had cast her out when she needed them the most. Her own people had deserted her and those she considered family were freaking out on her.

With Carson, he only had to deal with the freaking out. And even that was getting easier.

Shifting, he laid Torren on the baby mattress Teyla had brought with her, carefully covering him with the baby blue blanket with TJ embroidered in the corner. He smiled at that.

"Colonel Carter had it sent from Earth," Teyla told him with a smile, fingering the soft wool. "It was very thoughtful."

"Aye," Carson said as he lay back, his arms behind his head. Teyla stretched out on her side beside the baby mattress and closed her eyes for a moment. Carson let the silence grow. "What you doing out here, anyway?" He asked eventually, not opening his eyes. Sometimes, it was best just to enjoy the sunshine.

She yawned and apologised, pushing strands of hair from her face.

"Sometimes it is good to be out in the open air. The controlled climate, recycled air – it can all become quite oppressing." She patted Torren's belly and smiled. "It is good to feel the elements as they were intended to be."

Carson smiled and squinted over at her when he opened his eyes.

"It is that, lass."

"What about you?"

He sat back again and closed his eyes.

"Just trying to find something to pass the time." He shifted slightly. "I didn't realise how tedious it could be here when you're not an active part of the team."

Teyla smiled.

"I agree." She rolled onto her back and Carson winced as he heard something pop. "When I was carrying Torren, John barely let me walk anywhere; Ronon kept checking up on me in the gym and Rodney would bring me food if I was not in the mess hall within five minutes of dinner starting." They shared a laugh at that. She sighed. "Watching the three of them go out on missions while staying behind is the worst; I don't know how Colonel Carter or Doctor Weir managed it."

Carson nodded, though she couldn't see him.

"You're not exactly the sit at home type, are you?"

She laughed airily at that.

"I am not." She sat up again, resting on her elbows and after a moment, Carson copied her. "Though this time to recuperate has been most welcome." Carson nodded. "Do you think you will take the research post they have offered you?"

Carson shrugged.

"It's not the same, is it?" She smiled sadly and shook her head. "But what else can I do?"

She eyed him for a long minute but Carson just closed his eyes and sighed.

"Perhaps in time you will be reinstated on the medical team; you are, after all, the best there is. Is that not why you were chosen for this expedition in the first place?"

Carson flushed at her comment and smiled over at her as she settled back down, smiling up to the sky.

"Thanks love." He laughed a little more, embarrassed. "Maybe. We'll see."

But that was the thing with Atlantis; anything was possible. He never thought he'd ever travel to another planet, let alone another galaxy. He never thought he'd be taken hostage by an evil alien and cloned, imprisoned for a year then told his friends hadn't actually been looking for him because the real him had actually died.

Being reinstated on the medical team seemed so mundane compared to all of that. But it was the thing, that normalcy, that Carson wanted the most. Forget the wife, the kids, the cottage by the sea. He just wanted to be _Carson_; to have his job back, to have his friends back, to have his _life _back.

It didn't seem too much to ask but it seemed like too much for the others to give.

He sighed and licked his lips, soaking up the heat from the overhead suns.

He'd take one thing at a time and right now, he had to concentrate on being Carson.

Because somehow, in the last few months, he'd forgotten who that was.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Kindling, part four  
Summary: And as he walked away, he hoped he knew what he was thanking him for.  
Characters: Carson, Rodney  
Rating: K+

"What do you mean you want to learn how to fight?"

Carson nodded across the table, not able to hide his childish grin.

"I mean, I want to learn how to fight."

Rodney only frowned back in response to Carson's cheerful tone but Carson went on unfazed. He dug his spoon into the wild berry fruit salad before him, purring in satisfaction as the cool whipped cream slid down his throat. He loved it when they traded for fresh foods.

"You've asked _Ronon _to help you fight?"

"Yes, Rodney," Carson replied as he sighed again, relishing the taste of the tangy sweet berries. They were quite possibly his new favourite fruit; surpassing even strawberries and grapes. "Why is that so difficult to believe?"

Rodney scoffed.

"When was the last time you fought?"

"I'll have you know," Carson stated matter of factly as he dropped his spoon into his empty bowl and looked across at his estranged friend, "I used to do karate when I was a kid."

Rodney lifted an amused eyebrow and Carson shook his head mirthfully and looked away.

"And how many centuries ago was that, hmm?" Carson simply glared across at him. "And besides," he muttered around a mouthful of gruel, "that was back in the day when you're body was still growing and it didn't matter if you broke a bone."

Carson laughed and rolled his eyes.

"It'll not be that bad."

Rodney lifted an eyebrow and quirked the corner of his lips.

"Have you _seen _Ronon? You know, big guy, dreadlocks, huge muscles. Kind of resembles a cave man?"

Carson had missed this. The easy banter between himself and Rodney had been absent for so long that Carson had almost forgotten how good it was. The tension that usually lingered between them had dissipated for the moment and Carson was glad. This moment of normality was exactly what he needed after the day he'd had; Keller had poked and prodded him with needle after needle, taking sample after sample and he'd been drained both mentally and physically. His check-up, she'd told him sternly, was long overdue.

"It's just some basic training."

Rodney shook his head tiredly, frowning disdainfully across at Carson.

"What do you want to learn to fight for?"

Carson shrugged and looked down to his spoon that he was fiddling with. He could see his oddly shaped reflection and looked away; he'd had enough of feeling odd.

"Just something to do, I guess. All of this sitting around eating is getting to me," he said as he patted his slightly larger than normal stomach. "I'm turning into you," he said teasingly when he could see the unease settle back into Rodney's shoulders. Rodney simply scoffed.

"I've lost weight, I'll have you know."

"I may not be the Chief Medical Officer anymore Rodney but I still have eyes," he said with a grin.

"I need to eat to keep myself from going into glyc-"

"Yes, Rodney, I've heard it all before." He glanced to the sugary gruel Rodney was shovelling in his mouth. "You could have tried some of those berries; they're actually very nice."

Rodney grunted and shook his head.

"I don't think so." Silence fell between them for a few minutes while Rodney gobbled down more food. The sight was almost sickening to Carson who found it difficult nowadays to even have sugar in his morning coffee; his stash of Irn Bru had lasted only two weeks, his boredom meaning he'd guzzled down almost one hundred cans in a fortnight. And he was feeling it. "How's Teyla?" Rodney asked and Carson looked up surprised.

"She's fine," he said lightly, giving Rodney the opportunity to leave it at that. When he didn't, Carson was glad.

"She told me she's decided to stay on Atlantis." Carson nodded. In fact, she'd decided a month or so before that she was going to stay on Atlantis but she had refrained from telling her team; she feared the distance between them would only grow if she told them of her decision to stay. From what Carson had seen, they had gravitated back to one another naturally. When he'd made his way down to the gym for his bi-weekly training and meditating session with Teyla, he'd been surprised to stumble upon a three way sparring sessions between Sheppard, Ronon and Teyla. They'd seemed to be moving as though taking part in a dance and as he'd watched them attack and defend, attack and defend, he wondered how they didn't seriously injure themselves. "I still can't believe she named him after Sheppard."

Carson rolled his eyes good naturedly. It was a point of contention between Sheppard and Rodney; Rodney felt very put out that Sheppard had swooped in and stolen the glory of the name while Rodney hadn't been looking. But Carson knew that, deep down, Rodney was secretly glad she hadn't chosen the name because, being a namesake was a _lot _of responsibility.

"Torren Rodney just doesn't have the same ring to it." Rodney only tutted as his spoon clattered against the ceramic bowl. "Have you seen him recently?"

Rodney nodded as he peeled open a granola bar and Carson shook his head again, wondering – not for the first time – how Rodney didn't explode.

"He's grown."

"That's what babies do, Rodney."

"I _know_, but it's just... he was... well he's grown a lot. Weighs a tonne, too."

Carson lifted an eyebrow.

"Teyla let you hold him, did she?"

"Yes!" He exclaimed indignantly. "What's that supposed to mean?" Carson shook his head ruefully. "Just because you hog all the time with them doesn't mean we don't see them, either." Carson lifted an eyebrow at that and pursed his lips, his good humour quickly fleeing. "What?" Rodney asked as he saw the change in Carson's demeanour.

"It took you all long enough to realise she was still here."

Rodney looked past Carson's shoulder, to something on the horizon out the window and Carson pursed his lips again.

"Yeah," he said quietly as he tapped his spoon against the bowl subconsciously. "I was kind of busy-"

"Too busy to nip down and say hello?"

Rodney winced and Carson looked away to the tables behind him.

"I'm saying hello now, okay?"

Carson looked back to him and saw the true regret in his eyes. He sighed and glanced down to the tabletop in front of him.

"Aye, you are." He looked back up and tried to smile. "Sorry."

But Rodney shook his head, his own eyes darkening slightly at the edges.

"It should be me who's apologising." Carson glanced up. "I've not exactly been... a good friend – to you, or Teyla." Carson felt a lump rise in his throat. "I'm trying to change that."

Carson nodded slightly, sniffing and thankfully, Rodney kept his snide remarks to himself.

"I know you are, Rodney." He said quietly and reached out to pat the Canadians hand but stopped, withdrawing his hand when he saw Rodney stiffen slightly. "Thank you."

Rodney shook his head again.

"No. Thank _you _for giving me another chance."

Carson smiled. Silence fell again and the two embraced it, sipping on their mugs of coffee, few words passing between them. The mess hall emptied, and the suns dipped in the sky, tinting the late afternoon sky with pink hues and gold. Carson was at ease.

Eventually, Rodney looked to his watch and groaned, stretching his back.

"You better get down to the gym," he said to Carson and Carson nodded.

"Aye," he said as he made to stand, lifting his tray of food as he went. "See you later, Rodney."

"Bye, Carson." As Carson walked away, he sighed. There was still a long way to go, but they were getting there; all of them. "Oh, and Carson?" Carson turned back to Rodney, who was still seated, highlighted against the afternoon sky. "No matter what he says, or who comes in, keep your hands up and don't look away."

Carson paused a beat, feeling a now familiar tug in his chest, before his lips lifted in a smile and he nodded slowly, evenly.

"Thank you, Rodney," he said and as he walked away, he hoped Rodney knew what he was thanking him for.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Kindling, part 5  
Summary: Carson thinks maybe Ronon is right.  
Characters: Carson & Ronon  
Rating: K+

"You all right, doc?"

Carson looked up as he wheezed, lifting his arm to wave Ronon off.

"I'm fine..." he murmured unconvincingly as he grabbed his stomach once more, doubling over again at the ferocity of his own touch. Ronon had landed quite a hefty punch and Carson was suddenly regretting his decision to tell Ronon not to go easy; although the guy was still kicking his ass, he was sure Ronon was holding back _a lot. _"Just..." he panted, winded, "give me a minute."

He could hear Ronon's smirk and he glared up at him, not for a second enjoying the Satedan's curved lip.

"Sure you're up for this, doc?"

Carson nodded as he propped himself against the wall on the far corner of the gym and looked down to the swells of the sea below. It was a sight he'd never tire of. He looked over at Ronon, seeing him inspect the end of his stave and he shook his head mirthfully. If this had been anyone else's idea but his own, he may have been a little mad at them. But it wasn't and, despite the bruises littering his body, he was quite enjoying the sparring sessions.

"What have I told you about calling me 'doc'?"

Ronon looked sharply over at him and Carson was sure he saw some colour draining from his face. He tried to smile in the Satedan's direction, but even his cheek muscles hurt.

"Sorry," Ronon murmured as he swigged from a bottle of water. "Habit, I guess."

Carson nodded as he breathed deeply through his mouth. The guy had some arm muscles – despite the toned musculature of the Satedan, Carson was still surprised by the other man's sheer strength and agility.

"It's all right," he said after a few more long moments in which he managed to regain his breath. "It's a habit that'll take a lot of beating to get out of." Ronon frowned and Carson waved him off, coming to stand across from Ronon, slightly off from the centre of the room. The light washed over his feet and arms, his eyes – thankfully – shaded from the brightness by the room's angular architecture. "I'm ready."

Ronon hesitated for a moment before he stepped into position across from Carson, swaying the top half of his body lightly as he tried to judge Carson's movements. Carson, for his part, seemed to be managing quite well on his own as he dodged the first few attacking parries and even managed to lash out once or twice at Ronon. Carson would _never _understand why Ronon, Sheppard and Teyla did this for fun.

"You know," Ronon said as Carson leaned against the wall, cradling the newest welt on his arm, "you don't have to prove anything."

Carson watched as the Satedan pivoted on his heel, even before the words had finished leaving his mouth. He smiled at the uncomfortable state the Satedan had gotten himself into before he felt the aching sensation swim through his gut again.

"I know," he said quietly as he looked out of the window, to the tips of some of the spires in the distance. He sighed heavily and looked down to his hands, bruised from being rapped by Ronon's stave.

"So why are you?"

Carson quirked half a smile at Ronon when he met his eye but the Satedan quickly glanced away to the stave in his hand. Carson shrugged tiredly and pushed off from the wall.

"Don't you want to spend some time with me, big man?" Carson said lightly but Ronon simply raised an eyebrow and moved back to the centre of the room. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Ronon shrugged and Carson rolled his eyes as he took position across from him. "I just feel like I need to create a separate identity for myself, you know?" Carson blocked one of Ronon's shots and the vibrations from the ferocity of the attack reverberated up Carson's arm. "Separate myself from who you want me to be and who I really am." Carson was more than surprised when he felt his attacking shot land on soft flesh and when he looked up, momentarily pleased, he realised Ronon had stopped defending. His arms hung lifeless by his side and his heated gaze penetrated through Carson's skin and burned at the bone beneath. "What's up big guy?" He asked indifferently when, after a few long moments, Ronon still hadn't moved.

"We don't want you to _be _anyone else but yourself."

Carson frowned and sighed, dropping his head slightly to escape the Satedan's gaze.

"But who am I?" Ronon shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not really Carson Beckett; I was created in a lab. I have no identity. I have no family. The things I do for fun bring back memories that hurt my friends." Ronon shifted again and Carson sighed. "You are all still mourning Carson Beckett but _I'm _right here, stuck in the middle waiting to see if you'll ever truly accept me."

"Doc..."

"And when you lot call me that, it makes me think you want me to be that person you're all mourning. And I'm not." He tossed his staves aside and moved to the bag he'd discarded on the window sill when he'd entered. He opened it up and moved the contents about, not really sure what it was he was looking for or trying to do; he just wanted to hide the tears that had misted up in his eyes. "I'm tired of hurting the people I care about."

He could hear Ronon move about behind him, though he remained silent and Carson closed his eyes regretfully. He knew Ronon wasn't good at this kind of thing – possibly even more so than Sheppard – and he knew that Ronon had no idea what to do.

"When you died," Ronon said gruffly and Carson closed his eyes in pain. "This city came to a standstill. The people you care about were devastated that you weren't coming back – Rodney locked himself in his lab for nearly a week and Teyla had to coax him into eating. Sheppard thinks we don't know that he took the Jumper he taught you to fly in out for a ride every other night. Teyla performed ceremony for you that is reserved for dead leaders of her people." Carson turned to Ronon as the bigger man trailed off, clearing his throat. "So yeah, the people here are hurting to see 

you alive because it reminds them of what they lost. But they're happy that you're here." Ronon looked away after a few moments and Carson turned back to the window, hoping to hide the tears that streaked down his face. "They missed you and not because of the things you did but because of who you are. You can't change that; we don't want you to." Carson jumped when he felt a strong hand land on his shoulder and when he turned to the Satedan, he could see the pain etched clearly in his features. "You're a good man, Carson. You saved my life." Carson blinked in surprise. "It's because of you that I'm here." Ronon took a step away and the quiet tone of his voice shifted as he continued, "I don't want you to change."

He gulped a few times before he managed a weak, "Thank you, Ronon."

The Satedan nodded and turned away awkwardly, swirling his stave in his hand.

"So, you want to continue, or leave it 'til tomorrow?"

Carson sniffed and straightened his shoulders, pulling himself together. He moved to the edge of the room and retrieved his staves, taking up a loose position across from Ronon.

"Let's continue."

Ronon smiled lightly at him, the feelings from his earlier words clear in his eyes as he parried lightly with the Scot and Carson realised that maybe Ronon was right.

He didn't need to change who he was.

But it didn't hurt to change the things he did.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: The Kindling, part 6  
Summary: Winter had finally released its cold harsh grip on Atlantis, the long icy nights melting into spring time warmth and sunshine.  
Characters: Carson, Lorne, Teyla, Torren, Sheppard, Rodney & Ronon  
Pairing: Teyla-Carson, Teyla/John, Carson-Lorne  
Rating: K+

Notes: For YappiChick's birthday – happy birthday honey!  
Notes2.0: Also, there is no slash or pre-slash, just close friendship.

Winter had finally released its cold harsh grip on Atlantis, the long icy nights melting into spring time warmth and sunshine. As Carson watched, the piers of the city burst into life, people rediscovering the beauty of the sunlight on the city. Throngs of people moved along open air balconies, stopping for a moment to forget their duties and revel in the fresh air that warmed their faces, tablets and weapons hanging loosely in their arms for a few moments of unbridled ecstasy. On the far end of the pier, the green patch of grass that the botany lab had planted the year before was lush and thick, a few dots of yellow and orange and purple blowing freely in the wind.

Carson breathed in deeply, revelling in the refreshing breath that filled his lungs. They had all spent too long cooped up in the city, the artificial warmth keeping the frost at bay. For those who were not on active team, the breaking of the winter chill had been long awaited. The sky had cleared of its thick clouds, the threat of frost and the sapphire sky glowed brightly, the white heat of the sun finally touching cold fingers.

It had been a long time since he'd enjoyed spring time this much. When he'd been a boy, the moors had come alive with lamb and the surrounding farms had bustled with activity as the cattle calved and chicks hatched, as the young tendrils of new heather poked through the mossy overgrowth. His teenage years in the city had lessened spring times beauty, the flowers planted artificially, the calves and chicks he saw were on the front of spring time cards and in the newspapers. Spring time in his adult years had passed by like all the others; he bustling from hospital to hospital, shift after shift stopping only to revel in the feel of food in his stomach.

It was his new found idleness that had him transplanted to the balconies, overseeing the growth of warmth and life and although it often left him pining for the rolling moors of his home, of the comfort of his family, he didn't really mind.

People came and went, nodding to him, smiling and sometimes stopping to exchange a few pleasantries. He enjoyed their company, the way they broke his day up and he never asked them to leave, or keep walking, but their duty called and Carson was left to his watching once more.

"Hey, Carson."

Carson blinked once and turned his head lazily to the young Major and smiled on his direction.

"Evan," he replied, noting the uniform the soldier wore, the P-90 machine gun strapped to his tactical vest. "Couldn't resist?" He asked and Lorne shook his head.

"Winter here lasts too long," he said jovially and Carson nodded, turning back to the view before him. Lorne settled against the railing in front and to the side of Carson's deck chair, and Carson could see the young man close his eyes and breathe in deeply. Carson felt a strange pang in his chest at that and he trained his vision back on the hazy horizon. "Looks like half the city is out here," Lorne 

commented some time later and Carson opened his eyes to look down onto the pier below him. Indeed, the pier was much busier than it had been a few hours before and Carson could see three figures moving about on the plane of grass at the end of the pier. "The Colonel, too."

"They've been out there for hours," Carson replied and he could see Lorne's mouth twist into a smirk and he lowered his eyes and fingered the edge of his vest. In the distance, an oblong shaped ball moved in a lazy arc across the air and a tiny figure chased after it, a larger one following close behind. "It's good that Torren can get out now the weather's better."

Lorne nodded.

"It's good for us all." He turned back to Carson and leaned his elbows against the railing for support. "How long have you been out here?" He asked suddenly and Carson raised his eyebrows slightly, noting a tingling in his forehead as he did so.

"Since this morning, why?"

Lorne smiled lightly and lowered his eyes.

"You're sunburned."

Carson reached up and stroked his face, feeling the heat radiate into his fingers. He grimaced lightly but shrugged and settled back in his chair, shifting his sunglasses.

"Hopefully it'll tan," he said quietly and Lorne puffed out a small laugh. "Either that or I'll go and nab some of Rodney's sun block."

Lorne laughed again and Carson cracked an eye open to peer at him questioningly.

"I walked by his lab on the way out here; he's complaining already about the radiation from the sun." Both men rolled their eyes. Silence descended between them and Carson could sense the tension that the Major was trying to stall but he didn't think to break it. He was relaxed and happy; the first time in over a year and he was in no rush to erase the feeling. "It's a shame they couldn't schedule you to be here for the whole summer; you'll miss a good fall."

Carson sighed loudly and sat forward, propping his cheek on his upturned palms and stared past the Major to the two figures chasing one another across the grass, the third sitting back lazily watching them.

"At least I'm here for the spring and the first half, eh?" Lorne nodded, albeit tersely and glanced away from Carson's face. "Besides," Carson said as he leaned back in his chair, "it's not as if there's many tress to watch turn and that way, I'll miss Rodney complaining about the humidity as well."

Lorne smiled and let out another airy laugh and Carson smiled.

Since Carson's return from Michael's clutches and the discovery that he was a clone and while his old friends had struggled to maintain their amiability with him, he and Lorne had struck up a surprise friendship. Although friends before, Carson and Lorne spent a lot more time together than they had before, sharing anecdotes of youth and missions, ailments and flirtations with alien women. And Carson was glad because, while his friendships with the others had returned to quasi-normality (not like they had been normal in the first place), he felt that defining himself again as _Carson _instead of 

_Doctor Beckett _was easier with the people he hadn't been as close to as the ones he had. Lorne had accepted him quickly, as had Teyla and Carter and even Woolsey, and it had made his transition easier.

It also helped him define himself from the other Carson – the original.

His 'new' friends didn't call him "doc", or catch themselves when they talked about events the 'other' Carson had experienced, or give him the look of sympathy, of longing. They accepted him for who he was and not who he had been.

His time held captive by Michael had changed him; the others sometimes failed to see that.

It was good for him. To not be_ best friends _with Rodney, to not have to patch up the team members who came back from mission, bloodied and battered, torn and broken.

"When you put it like that, being cooped up on the Daedalus for three months at a time has its upsides." Carson could practically hear Lorne's smile in his tone.

And that was the other thing; the others had questioned and pestered him to explain why he hadn't taken up the permanent research position in Atlantis, why he had chosen to live part time on the Daedalus as their medical consult, why he chose to return to Earth and work for the SGC every few months. Why he had chosen to leave them behind.

They didn't understand that he had to. He had to get away because the looks they exchanged, the forced cheer when the anniversary of _that Sunday _rolled around. He'd made sure he wasn't here this year for that particular date.

It also meant he got to go home every now and again. He may not be able to go and see his mother – he'd made that choice and he'd stuck by it, no matter how difficult it was – but Earth was Earth and it was still home. He'd even made it to a few Scotland football matches – one in France, a Croatian friendly and, if things worked out well, he'd be seeing them qualify for the World Cup.

The others didn't get that.

Teyla and Lorne did.

"You know," Lorne said and Carson focussed back on him, blinking the thoughts away. "It's Torren I feel sorry for," he said as he watched the toddler chase after the rugby ball again, the corner of his lips turning up as he watched Sheppard chase after him.

Carson smiled through his frown and quirked an eyebrow.

"And why is that?"

Lorne turned to him and quirked his own eyebrow and Carson's smile grew.

"He has us lot raising him; Sheppard's down there playing football with him but you're telling him the sport is named after a different sports and that _football _is more like rugby." Carson laughed lightly and nodded. "And then Rodney is teaching him about quarks and the boy can hardly speak, while Ronon is trying to teach him how to fight, the marines are teaching him how to hide while Teyla is trying to keep him spiritual and grounded."

Carson smiled again and looked down to the three blobs as the two plopped down next to the third and he could imagine the laughs. He was glad Sheppard had finally accepted Torren and re-accepted Teyla for who _she _was. He had been one of the first to accept Carson back.

"He'll love it, I'm sure. Either that or Teyla will be quick to tell us to back off," Carson told him as he smiled shifting in the seat again.

He chose to ignore the knowing smirk on Lorne's face as he murmured,

"She'll tell some of us to back off first."

Carson frowned at him, crinkling the corner of his eyes and Lorne simply shrugged innocently and lifted his hands, palms up, quirking a grin at him.

"I'm choosing to ignore that statement, Major," he said as he closed his eyes.

"You were there for her when some of us weren't." Carson felt something in his chest tighten at the memory of long nights of conversation, her wavering voice as she told him of her insecurity in Atlantis, her feelings of loneliness as her team froze her out. "That means something; that's all I'm saying." Carson opened his eyes and looked down to the grass mount and watched as a tall, dread locked figure made its way towards them. "I'd better get back to work."

Carson waved him off as the Major re-entered the city, watched as he addressed an approaching group of young officers. As the Major faded into the city, Carson stood and folded his chair, tucking it under his arm and moved through the city.

As he walked along the pier, the sun warm on his back, he could see four figures lounging on the grass, a smaller one running around their feet. He smiled. They were his friends, he couldn't change that and he had made a promise to spend more time with him when he was there.

Sitting alone on a balcony did not constitute that.

The smaller figure thumped into his legs and he dropped the deck chair, and scooped the toddler up into his arms, laughing as Torren cuddled into his chest, garbling on and on at one hundred miles an hour.

The others sat up and greeted him, warm smiles stretching across their faces. Teyla stood and moved to him, touching his upper arm as she stroked Torren's head.

"I wondered how long you would sit up there," she said as Torren wiggled to get down. He ran straight to John who groaned and rolled over, tackling Torren to the ground. "It is a good day," she said as she sat back down and Carson settled next to her, smiling as she reached over and tickled Sheppard in the way he was tickling her son.

He sighed and leaned back, folding his hands behind his head, letting the unfiltered warmth wash over him.

He'd missed them, while he'd been gone. His absence made him appreciate them even more.

Something heavy landed on his stomach and he opened his eyes, eyeing the bottle of sun block on his chest. He turned to Rodney, an amused glare making its way across his face.

"Can't have you getting any more burned than you already are."

As he flipped open the bottle he sighed again, shaking his head as Rodney grumbled about the overhead sun.

Maybe he missed some more than others, he thought as Ronon retaliated with a splash of water from his bottle.

This was Atlantis, this was his family.

This was home.


End file.
